I am not a kinkster.
Not even close.
It is a word I have come to loathe because it speaks not of who I am but of what people think I am. It may well be the single most alienating adjective associated with gender dynamics in the alt.sex lexicon. It is exceptionally toxic when discussing and promoting relationships that are intentionally and transparently woman-led; and truth be told, it deserves to be. Nothing sends women running from the bountiful benefits of a loving FLR more than the perception that female first relationships are primarily kink-centric. I’ve had multiple conversations with smart, strong, empowered women — just the type who might thrive in a leadership role with a sincere and secure submissive man — bow out over their justifiable concern that F/m relationships are overly focused on kink and intended to primarily satisfy the sexual fantasies of the men who are suppose to be serving them. And I cannot blame women for their anxious reticence. This may come as a shocker to some, but (female led) relationships aren’t just about sex. At their heart, they are loving, committed, long-term partnerships and marriages, bonded by the shared belief that women belong in charge. All romantic relationships have a sexual component, but that shouldn’t define a relationship — just enhance it.
I’m not here to judge. There are platoons of sexually active people who wear their kinkster badges with pride. And for them, I say, go for it! If that is what turns you on and makes you happy, who am I to judge? But in the confines of a loving, long-term, romantic and sustainable woman-led relationship, I tend to think that an over-emphasis by submissive men about their sexual fantasies and desires often gets in the way of the true purpose of femdom relationships: serving, supporting and prioritizing the needs of women they’re privileged to be in the company of. Very few (dominant) women, I have interacted with, have expressed enthusiasm for wearing stiletto-heeled shoes paired with tight-fitting leather and latex outfits intended to demonstrate their dominance — either in private or public. Nor do women wish to be pressured to do something to sexually stimulate and excite the supposed submissive who professes to want to serve and obey her. That’s not how this type of relationship should work.
Some may ask, isn’t enforced chastity a form of kink? And there’s certainly a strong argument that such implements do contribute to the kink-oriented concerns some women have who might otherwise engage in such relationships. (And I addressed this issue in a previous post). You can make the argument either way. I think of chastity locks as primarily a male management tool employed by women to restrict and remind their submissive partners of their subservience and place, purpose and position in the relationship dynamic. Yet it is up to the couple — and more specifically the dominant female — to decide whether to employ the use of such a device in the relationship. But key to what’s ultimately important is the submissive’s desire to please and serve his female superior. Submissive men can easily get excited and distracted by the endorphin-pounding promises of femdom sex but it is the 99% of the rest of the loving relationship submissive men need to focus on to make it compelling and enticing for a woman to wish to accept and lead them.
