Some women have it.
Most do not.
It’s as elusive as it is exciting.
Which begs the question:
What ignites the spark…
…that lights the fire that leads women to explore and embrace their dominance? Is it social, innate or learned? Beyond their desire to dominate a man — what prompts select women to prioritize their pleasure and promote their needs and desire over males? My experiences with dominant women — as both suitor and confidante — are mixed but what I have long understood is socially and sexually assertive women are as confident of their leadership as they are unapologetic about their expectations: They’re direct, demanding, purposeful and uninhibited; up-front about their requirements for obedience and quick to dismiss those who fail to meet and exceed their standards for service and submission. I have been permitted to serve and unceremoniously dismissed by dominant women and if there is one thing I’ve learned, they always let you know where you stand.
Leadership-oriented women pursue different levels of control and degrees of dominance: Some are primarily sexual — limiting their command to the bedroom; others are more socially/culturally-oriented, feminist and political — employing dominance as a tool to subvert and defeat the patriarchal paradigm — while reaping rewards from those subservient males eager to be in their service. These women are empowered and engaged; their dominance a pathway for feminine leadership, sexual pleasure and gender role changes capable of elevating women from mere partners to relationship and societal leaders. Yet many women I have communicated with have neither the knowledge of, nor interest in pursuing a relationship dynamic where they are the established dominant partner. Not surprisingly, most women prefer nothing more than to maintain the status quo and strive for equality with men. It’s an unfortunate truth: Only a small percentage of women seek consensual inequality with disempowered, ego-reduced self-identified submissive males. Men just like me. So why don’t women pursue these female-first win-win relationships with submissive men eager to put their needs of ahead of their own? I reached out to San Francisco-based psychologist and sexologist, Dr Denise Renye for some insights. The bottom line: societal expectations have a lot to do with the choices women make and relationship roles they assume — sexually, socially and romantically.
Q: How do women come to terms with their sexual dominance?
Dr. Denise: “Generally, I believe people have to come into their own in terms of expression of who they are sexually. Also, this expression is always changing so there can be a fluidity in the way of being sexually. Sexual dominance can be something one may be shy about, again given the socio-cultural norms that are in place in the world. Discovering it and coming to terms with it is generally a process. As a young person, a women may notice a joie de vivre in being more dominant in non-sexual situations, a power of her being by just embracing who she is… perhaps being somewhat bossy or even overtly and unabashedly bossy. However, this may or may not be accepted. If it is accepted, she may continue on that trajectory. If it is not accepted, she may begin to hide this exciting part of herself. However, if she meets a man who is submissive-and who truly enjoys being this way — it may be an invitation to her to bring that dominance out of hiding and into the light for all to enjoy.”
Q: Why do some women choose dominance while others don’t?
Dr. Denise: “It’s a journey for all people to to discover, explore and eventually embrace who they are. The same is definitely true for women who are dominant and/or who exhibit dominant traits with men. Women who express dominance with men enjoy it. The women who express it freely may feel less fettered by socio-cultural norms and can truly embrace their natural selves. They also may have explored their internal landscapes with less judgement and feel more free to be who they are truly be.”
Q: What about when a woman is dominant but doesn’t want to be?
Dr. Denise: “Sometimes people have innate leanings, such as women and dominance, yet they may decide to not explore these dynamics for a variety of reasons. The man (or men) they are with may not enjoy receiving such offerings or gifts. The women may have a preconceived notion that the more readily accepted norm in a lot of cultures-that women are to be more submissive — is more desirable and therefore they will exhibit more submissive behavior. Alternatively, because women have been conditioned (by the patriarchy) to follow norms of taking up less space, being smaller — both energetically and physically — they may refrain from playing with these tendencies that may be more in alignment with who they really are.”
Question for Women: How did you get here? Are you dominant — currently engaged in a relationship where you’re the leader; or just curious and intrigued by the benefits a woman-first relationship might hold for you? Needless to say, please share your story — anonymously if you prefer — in the comment section about what you’ve discovered about yourself, your concerns about exploring female dominance or what you’d like your current or next relationship to be.
